Am I stupid? Are you?

It's funny and it's hurt because it's true. Make me feel stupid. They have guts, I have what?

1. http://thoughtthattaught.blogspot.com
2. http://semaksesatsarat.blogspot.com


Pelik tapi benar

Why when you fight with someone, to make it better, apologize is needed, right?
And then to make it clear and normal, the one whom starts the fire, will treat you like a queen, right?
But I don't really understand why did it last for only a day?
The next day, all those sweet treats and romantic gestures gone.


Do I?

do i want to be hurt?
do i want to cry?
do i want to feel like a pice of crap?
do i want to be blamed on everything?

no. but this is all i got.

do i want to stay?
do i want to leave?

I care no more.

you taught me to be good.
you taught me to be nice.
you taught me to be friendly.
you taught me to be cool with everything.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to behave.
you taught me how to listen.

you taught me to be hard.
you taught me to be emotionless.
you taught me how to collect haters.
you taught me not to care.
you taught me how to feel hurt.
you taught me to be who i am not.
you taught me not to say a word.

you don't want me.
you want me to be what you want.
now, this is me.
programmable robot.

Is this the end?

I almost forgot my feelings towards this relationship.
I feel like I'm not more than just a stranger in my own relationship.
I never forget what I said to you.
How I felt in our getaway and dates. 
But apparently, I forgot how was those feelings. 
I am no longer feeling it anymore.

You called me unemotional person.
It's only because you never try to see it through.
You told me I can talk to you about everything.
The fact is I can't because you never and won't listen.

Who talks to someone who don't listened?
Nobody will. 
You hate it when I talk.
You hate it when I keep silence and just listen.
You hate it when I smile.
You hate it when i gave you those long text messages.
You hate it when i give you one line text. 

You really hate my guts, don't you?


Too good to be true.

People say falling in love is easy. But not for me. I found it hard. People once said, staying in love is the most difficult part. Wrong for me thou i find it easier than tolerating of being real and pleasing people.

The hardest thing i've been through is being honest actually not the kind of attitude people want to see and face. They prefer me to be polite and have a nice tongue. But me, I want people to be honest and transparent with me. You don't like me? Say it out aloud, I won't mind. I don't need people to lie to me for the sake of pleasing me. I am a wise and grown up woman. I can take criticisms as built comments.

How I could improve myself if people keep lying to me? I won't. I will stay being ridiculous, nonsense and I might not face any rejection nor objection. I learn it my own way. I get through everything all by myself. I think I shouldn't take what people say as a serious matter. If you want me to say something nice which is untrue, I am sorry. I can't. If you thing the truths are hurtful and you can't handle it, ask me nothing.


by the way

Sometimes I find it difficult to communicate what I'm feeling because I shut down all emotional responses when hurt.


wish lists

mungkin DSLR Pentax 645D tu dah cukup besar megapixelnya, 40MP. DSLR Hasselblad H3D|| pun baru 39MP. tapi SIGMA SD1 ni 46MP! memang mantap! aku dah check review apa semua pun memang stim gila kot.

perfect and complete. tu je aku mampu cakap. sebab nak beli memang belum mampu. tak payah nak susah2 bawah ipad, camera, laptop, phone bila nak travel. semua ada kot. jimat ruang, tapi tak jimat poket. tang keyboard tu yang menusuk kalbu tu. sensor. macbook kau ada? hahaha mac pon tak ada kan? :D

Dua cukuplah. Banyak-banyak wish lists buat apa kalau tak mampu. 

Perut minta nasi, aku beri roti.

Tanpa mukaddimah yang skema dan bertamadun. Dan tanpa huraian lanjut. Hanya klimaks yang aku hujahkan. Hidup aku terumbang-ambing. Kerja, belajar, hubungan sesama manusia, dan masa. Yang paling teruk, kewangan. Akhir kata, kena kuat dan cari jalan permudah segala. Sekian.


gila. makin gila.

aku ingin makan, rehat dan tidur. tolong.
kerja ini membunuhku. bikin aku gila. entah sampai bila.

ni konon-konon dah gila. penat lah tu? padahal office tu la tempat tidur, tempat makan, dah macam rumah sewa tanpa sewa. siap ada aircond, jangan marah cik joyah ye!